Tuesday, July 31, 2012

My Life is Uncertain

When I was 16 an imminent fear came upon me that I would never figure out what I wanted to do with my life. In past posts I have referenced that I have thought about being a husband and father since I was 13 years old. With that forward thinking, came the fears of the future. I questioned how I would truly provide for my family. While I was able to see some of the things I was good at, I never saw a potential career sprouting from my love for basketball or desire to talk openly with others. Now, some of you may say, “hey it’s so obvious Landocommando, I know what you should have done”, but I wanted to know for myself what should be done.

This fear loomed and consumed my being. I tried to ignore it, but I believe this was one of the reasons that I feared growing up and going off to college. To say that I had similar a complex to Peter Pan was an understatement. I slightly feared each birthday knowing that it signified a landmark in my progress to becoming an adult.

My only comfort came through the advice of others who told me that I would know when I was older. When the time was right, I would really know. So I ignored my fear my first year of college and continued my college education as an open major. Then I took a two year leave of absence for personal desires. I figured by the time I was back I would definitely know what I wanted to do for my career. But time passed and I returned to the college life, yet still my fear and confusion continued.  I came to my last possible moment to choose my major; I had finished all of my general education and needed to specialize in something. I honestly took a list of all the majors available and crossed out all of the options I knew that I would not enjoy and/or would not provide an adequate salary for a family. Before I eliminated ALL the options I finally chose statistics. And it was nice to know I had some sense of direction.

I bring this up because I have talked to many friends recently about the confusions of life. I often learn that I am not alone in my confusion with finding a direction in life. Others were also told or convinced that they would “JUST KNOW” what decisions they needed to make once they were old enough. But to those individuals who told us those calming fortunes… you lied. It is okay, I am not mad. Maybe for you that is what happened. But for me I am still left in my confusion of what I want to do with my life. I have less than a year left until I graduate with a statistical science degree.  The only thing I have figured out is that I hope I don’t work with numbers all day for the rest of my life. But I will continue with my major because it has lead to great opportunities.

So here I am living evidence that even though the time has come to make a decision about my life, and I still do not know exactly what I am doing. Most importantly I share it’s okay that I don’t know. I am learning to take life one decision at a time. I know the key things that I want, but I have no clue how to get to this amazing vision I have.  Life is good each day should be enjoyed. I look to see how each day leads me to my final vision of financial security, time with my family, and sharing the moments that matter most with them. But I cannot see past the next couple of year.

My life is uncertain, and that is okay.  The future is unknown and I wouldn’t want it any other way!!!

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